Thursday, August 27, 2015

Dreaming of My Own "Happily Ever After"

I am linking up for the Five Minute Friday. The FMF is hosted by Kate Motaung on her blog Heading Home. Today's prompt is "Alone." Write for five minutes; unedited.

I heard the word prompt tonight and so many emotions begin to bubble up inside of me. Next week I will turn 37. I am still single; still yearning yet to be a wife and a momma. It is something that I have always wanted. And I see those around me; friends of all ages in their homes with their families and I can't help but ask. When will it be my turn? Or am I going to be alone forever?

I come home each night to an empty house. I lay down in my bed no one to cuddle up next to. I often spend my Friday Nights watching a movie or television show alone on my couch.  Sometimes the tears stream down my face. It is not at all how I pictured my life as a 37 year old. I have always imagined my life as a woman with a husband, 2.5 kids, a dog, and a house surrounded by a white picket fence. I have always dreamed of my very own "happily ever after."

God knows the desires of my heart and hears them. Yet there are days that my loneliness is more prominent and I sometimes question if God hears them at all. I know God does hear them.....but sometimes especially when I am so lonely that is so much easier said than done.

Tears stream down my face. I wonder when it will be my turn. I wonder if I will always be alone. I wonder if I will ever get to be a mom. I wonder if my house will always be so quiet. I wonder when my time will come. I wonder....but then I put all my trust in a God who I know hears the desires of my heart and who knows what my heart holds; a heart that holds the promises of God and knowing  that I am not alone because God walks with me every step of the way and also puts individuals in my path who also walk with me.


43 comments:

  1. First of all, don't wait for a man to get a dog, they are the best company! Secondly, I pray that you find a man who is worthy of you, you are such an awesome person, you deserve someone special to share life with. :)

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    1. Melissa, I won't wait for a man to get a pet. Sadly I cannot have pets at my house which I rent. Thank you for saying that I am such an awesome person. It means a lot to hear those words.

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  2. Oh friend. Thank you for your honesty, here. I always say that tears are often liquid longings - and I'm longing for you as I look over your heartfelt words. I have no answers, I only know the One who does. Grow closer and closer to Him, receive His comfort and let go of anything that grips you. God knows. He's there and loves you.

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    1. Karen, tears as liquid longings...I love that. Trust me I am continuing to trust in the one who knows the desires and the answers. Some days that is so much easier said than done though. I do know that God loves me and I am clinging to that promise.

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  3. what a beautiful graphic and wonderful scriptural assurance! As I just blogged, "alone" raises a firestorm with me, and I know it does with you, as well, though our stories are very different. BTW, nice, expressive post, as well. Hugs and hope!

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    1. I love how my graphic turned out too. Yes, alone raises a firestorm in you too. Hugs and hope back to you too friend.

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  4. When I was 37 I was alone with 5 dogs. Now, a 'few' years later, I am married with 24 dogs (all rescues).

    But, because of PTSD, I still have to sleep 'alone' (well, in the kennel area)...it's very dangerous for a human to wake me (dogs instinctively 'get it').

    Point being...hang in there. God may have a plan that you can't in your wildest dreams imagine.

    I suspect that when we married, and Barbara was 38, that she'd be housemother to a couple of football teams worth of canines.

    Yep, that's our God. Always, the humour's on Him...and sometimes, the gentle and holy joke is on us.

    And what to do, but laugh along with His delight?

    http://blessed-are-the-pure-of-heart.blogspot.com/2015/08/your-dying-spouse-49-alone-in-fight-fmf.html

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    1. Aaargh. I meant, in the middle of that, that Barb never imagined that she's be housemother to that many dogs.

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    2. Andrew, thank you brother! It is good to know that I am not alone and that there is still hope. God does have a funny sense of humor, doesn't he? I promise that I will hang in there because you are probably right...God probably has a plan for me that I cannot in my wildest dreams imagine.

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  5. I agree with Melissa - get the dog.

    Dear heart, I hear the pain in your words. There's nothing wrong with your desires. All I know is that every time God says "no" it's because He has a greater "yes" in mind. I don't know what that "yes" looks like for you. I don't know what it means. But I pray in Him you find all the love and tenderness you crave. I pray that your life will be pepper with wonderful people who will hang with you on those Friday nights. You are dear and special!

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    1. Marie, thank you for this: "All I know is that every time God says "no" it's because He has a greater "yes" in mind." Thanks for the prayers. They are greatly appreciated. Also thank you for reminding me that I am dear and special!

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  6. Sweet friend, I know the pain of unanswered desires. Continue pouring your heart out to Him...He hears it, He knows it, He loves you, He listens, He wants the best for you. Trust Him with your hopes and dreams and tears. Praying for you this morning, dear one.

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    1. Holly, I will continue to pour my heart out to God because I know that God hears, knows, listens and loves me. Thank you for the prayers sweet Holly. They are greatly appreciated!

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  7. Sweet Tara, Melissa is so right. You deserve a prince and the Lord who has created you hears your heart. Lean into Jesus (as I know you are) and YES, adopt a dog. Not the same, I know, but their devotion and gratitude teach great lessons to us humans. Blessings to you in this day, dear friend!

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    1. Awww thanks Ingrid. It means the world to hear from you all that I deserve a prince. I will continue to lean into Jesus. A pet would be nice but sadly I cannot have a pet in my house that I rent. Blessing to you this day dear friend as well.

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  8. awww sweet Tara! I agree with Holly. His ways are so much better than our own. I wanted marriage so much that I went looking in almost every man I saw for many years. But God knew best.(even when I didn't know him) He knew I didn't just want marriage, but a man that I could share a lifetime with. He had me wait until I wanted Him more...a few months later I met my beloved; we married when I was 29, he was 3 weeks into 20. CRAZY! 21 years later, I'd have it no different than what happened :)

    I have many 30ish single friends that long for married companionship. I wish I had answers, but I have prayers to offer on your behalf. And, if you want a dog, go for it! Unconditional love and companionship; not the same, but...you'd never be alone

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    1. Christy, thank you! The prayers are felt and so deeply and greatly appreciated. I know I am not alone but sometimes it sure feels like it so it is good to hear there are other 30ish people waiting and yearning too.

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  9. I feel every emotion here and understand all too well the feelings you describe. I am sure you have heard all the usual words to make you feel better. Please know I am praying for you and with you! You are a treasure and I love knowing you even if it's just online.

    PS. My one sister-in-law did not get married to my brother until she was 37! :)

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    1. That is so cool about your sister-in-law Mary. Actually my Uncle didn't marry until he was in his 50s so I know there is still hope. Thanks for the prayers. They are so greatly appreciated. And thank you for reminding me that I am a treasure. It is easy to forget that sometimes. I love knowing you even if it is just online too.

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  10. Tara, thank you for being honest and exposing your desires. I wish this for you too, because I understand wanting that. I wanted it too, so very badly, and I do have that. And now, I just wish I could have some alone time! Not discrediting your desires at all, dear. We all struggle with what we don't have. But I hear you, and will pray with you.
    BTW, thanks for friending me on Twitter last night. I felt like I was the alone one and you were the one with all the friends and the hummus! My post was about being alone at the party. I'll do better next week!

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    1. Ruthie, thank you for stopping by and praying with me. That means a lot. I am so glad that I was able to friend you on Twitter the other night. You are going to be so prepared for the party this week!

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  11. I am going to say exactly the same thing I said to Jen D. There are so many cliche things I could say but I’m not going to. You feel alone and I’m sorry for that. You have become someone dear to me and of course I want you to be happy and content with your life. But I am going to say THIS: you don’t want someone just to say “you have someone” you want who God has planned for you to have since before time. Try hard, my young friend, to practice the WHAT principle: Wait Hope And Trust. Much love

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    1. Oh Susan! You are so right..."quality" over "quantity." I am going to have to remember your WHAT principle. You have become dear to me too friend! Love ya!

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  12. Tara, thanks for sharing so honestly. You are not alone in feeling this way. I share your desires and longings and other than a few details I could pretty much have written this post myself. Your willingness to be vulnerable makes me feel less alone. So glad to have connected with you this week.

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    1. Carly, you are welcome. Not an easy post to write but I am glad that I did. I am glad to know that I am not alone. I hope my words blessed you. You are not alone. We are in this together friend!

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  13. Tara,
    oh you brought tears to my eyes. I am so moved by your post. And so blessed that you do not curse your God, but praise Him in spite of your yearning and longing. Will you let me come visit your mansion when we're in Heaven? I'm thinking it's going to be the place to see. I'm still working on my heavenly apartment. (And you're not old. I will be 34 in October)
    Although, my dream of being an astronaut was crushed in the 4th grade. And my dream of being a famous singer never mashed with my dream of being a stay-at-home mom.
    Now I'm not even staying at home. I'm teaching junior high math.
    And yet, life is bringing joy when I have friends like you-even when life looks so different than what I thought it would.
    So, thank you for your friendship and your beauty. I know God sees it. We see it. I wish I could make you feel less lonely!
    Love,
    Tammy
    (#63 this week)

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    1. Tammy, my words weren't suppose to bring tears to your eyes. I am glad that my post moved you. I don't think that I will have a mansion in heaven because I am, by no means, perfect or a saint. In fact, I am just as much a sinner as I am a saint. But if I happen to get a mansion, yes you can for sure come visit me there. It would be too lonely without all my friends and family. My sister just turned 34 last week. You are so welcome for the friendship and beauty. Thank you for reminding me that I am beautiful. I know you cannot make me feel less lonely, but it means the world that you want to even try. :)

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  14. my oldest daughter married just a couple of months b/f her 37th birthday. she realized the timing she met her now husband wouldn't have been good if it had happened a few years earlier than it did!

    she did learn to enjoy her life while it was happening. she didn't happen to be a pet lover and although she wanted children, she didn't want to raise any alone. but some of her friends did so they adopted and fostered. you might be wise to make a bucket list of things you want to have as part of your life. don't wait for mr. right to come along. live the life you want to live now. buy your house, build the career, have the hospitality and entertaining life you want to have. living on hold is no way to live. if the man comes along for you, great. if he doesn't, you will be having a happy, joyful life that is involved with others. yes, you would have missed a husband, but your life will be rich and full of the things you wanted to have in it anyway. blessings tara as you live out the rich and joyful life god has for you!

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    1. Adoption and foster care is something that I am pondering and praying about myself. Thank you for the the reminder to live out the rich and joyful life God has in store for me. And thank you for sharing your daughter's story. It gives me hope!

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  15. Oh you, I can *absolutely* relate to how you feel. I'm 41....alone.....a single Mother....going through a hideous divorce (not what I EVER imagined for myself or my children, but it's the only healthy way out of an abusive relationship). I'm always, every Friday, alone with only a film for company. It gets tiring (I hear you), it's frustrating (I hear you) but I've definitely learnt that He doesn't send us things/situations that are too big for us (here, where I live, they say "God might tighten but He'll never choke" (which always makes me chuckle)). We hear you. Thank goodness for wonderful, amazing, communities like FMF....we hear you, we'll look out for you.....Helen xxx

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    1. Helen, sorry you feel this way too. I am especially sad that you are going through a hideous divorce. I will pray for peacefulness in the midst of your divorce. I am so very thankful for the wonderful amazing community of FMF. You look out for me and I will look out for you!

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  16. Tara, thanks for offering us a glimpse into your heart today. It's such a tough spot to be in. One of my dearest friends is in the same situation. She's around the same age as you, just waiting. Hoping. Living her life, loving Jesus, and waiting. I know (as you do) that God has the perfect plan in mind for your life story. His ways and timing are always best. I know that He has great things in store for you now and in the future. He does see your heart and your desires, and He cares so much. :) For now, know that He is madly in love with you, His beautiful Diamond. www.mygracefullife.com/diamond

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    1. Tasha, you are welcome. Not an easy post to write at all but that is where I felt God leading me to go. Thanks for the reminder that I am not a lone. Does your friend blog? If so, I would love to read her blog. It is always great to meet someone who understands exactly where I am coming from. And thank you for reminding me that I am one of God's beautiful diamonds. You are too!

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  17. Oh sweet, sweet, Tara--
    I'm sorry the word prompt triggered that emotional edge of your heart. I don't know what it's like to be single and 37, but I do know what it is like to feel sadness. When I went through terrible depression and anxiety WITH a husband and two kids it was awful...just know that there is not always happiness in that other side of the green hill! ;) Praying you DO find companionship through friends and perhaps a husband one day! My step father in law did not marry until he was in his late 40s! I know you are serving the Lord through your work, and perhaps that right ND man is somewhere around there?!

    My mom is from ND, and she met my dad (a TN man) through a blind date! Never underestimate the power of God weaving stories together. They are still married 40 some odd years later. Continue to serve your friends and offer to watch their kids perhaps! It would be a gift to have a fun 30 something friend who would babysit from time to time...your friends may not know you want kids!? Hoping this helps a bit. Have you tried Christian Mingle or farmersonly.com ?! Just kidding!!! I know that the dating web-sites are a bleak. I helped my single friend here navigate match.com one day after she told me it had been hard...it WAS SO HARD! Finding diamonds in the rough is just now our job...it's God's. Hold tight. Accept the alone as GOOD with God. It's okay to cry, AND it's okay to smile! Hugs virtually, Jenn Cook (Graceglimmers)

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    1. Jennifer, no worries but it definitely triggered that emotional edge of my heart. So cool that your mom is from ND and met your dad through a blind date. So much THIS friend: "Never underestimate the power of God weaving stories together." I actually tried E-Harmony for awhile but they are all so complicated and/or so expensive. Hugs back to you friend!

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  18. Oh sweet friend, thank you for sharing your heart with us. I don't have the answers to your questions and longings, but I stand with you as you look to the One who does hold the answers. Also, I agree with Andrew- you never know what is around the corner. I hope you have a lovely weekend.

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  19. Tara, your words leave me in tears. I sense the pain deep within and the hard path you are currently called to travel. There are no pat answers forthcoming from me, just an offer to hold your hand at a distance, to be by your side in prayer, to be a soul companion in this space we call the blogosphere.
    As one also longing to have deep soul needs met and answers to questions revealed, I know something of this ache. And what I know of God is that He's so often a God of the unexpected, of the suddenly and the miraculous in the mundane.
    Try not to lose hope, my friend. Keep the faith as Jesus walks this alone pathway with you. He will bring you to a spacious place where your soul needs are met in one way or another. Blessings, love and prayers. Xox <3

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    1. Joy, you are the second reader to tell me that my post left them in tears. That was not my intent at all. Thank you for offering to hold my hand and to pray. That means a lot to me. I promise that I am not losing hope, but some days it does fade just a little. Blessings to you too!

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  20. Tara, I wish I could just reach out and hug you right now! Though I'm a few years younger, I understand. Because by your mid-twenties, if you aren't showing signs of settling down, you start to get treated differently. As if you're late to the party, and everyone else has it figured out. But as hard it as it sometimes, we have to cling to the truth that God didn't forget about us. He isn't putting these desires in your heart, and not fulfilling them just to be mean. But rather, He is doing something (what, I don't know!) and needs us to remain strong and faithful in our singleness. I LOVE what Susan said above, that we shouldn't find a man just to have someone in our lives. And rather than simply waiting for Mr. Right to show up, we have to trust and live life fully where we are.e

    Hard, isn't it? But girl, you are one amazing woman, and you have to strength to handle whatever comes your way. Not alone, but surround by family, friends, community, and a God who loves you like crazy!

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    1. Jen, I wish I could reach out and hug you too friend! I know you understand COMPLETELY where I am coming from with this post. I will continue to cling to the truth that God hasn't forgotten about us. I love what Susan said above too. I am going to remember that. And thank you for reminding me that I am one amazing woman and that I have strength to handle whatever comes my way. I don't always feel like that. And friend, you are not alone either and God loves you like CRAZY too!!!

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  21. My dear friend. I so wish I could reach across the table and hold your hand or give you a hug. You are a beautiful child of God, and so many love you... as evidenced in how many have encouraged you here. Thank you for sharing your heart and your tears with us. I don't have the answers, but God does. He loves you. He knows the desires of your heart, as you mentioned. Draw near to Him during this time of waiting. I'll be praying right along beside you. We need to meet! Love you, beautiful friend.

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    1. Julie, thank you. The prayers are greatly appreciated. I would love to have you hold my hand or give me a hug. And yes indeed, we do NEED to meet! Love you too!!

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