I'll be honest. I really don't want to write this blog post AT ALL. But after continuing to read through Annie Down's book and reading her very own chapter on being single, I hear a resounding "me too."
I always feel guilty for writing about being single and God not yet fulfilling the prayers that I have continually asked for. As Annie reminded me, it's not simply about being at home alone, or in bed alone but rather is about a God who can do something about those unanswered prayers but doesn't. That is perhaps one of the hardest things for me especially when I watch as prayers are answered around me. My heart knows that God will answer those prayers in God's ways when the timing is right, but my head is irrational and wants those prayers answered RIGHT THIS VERY MINUTE!
I must admit that I sometimes think that I overshare on this topic and that is not my intent at all. I don't want to scare any of you away. But last night as I read Annie's chapter on being single, I thought if Annie can be vulnerable and write what is on her heart, I too can muster up the courage to do the same; to put down my fears and share what is on my heart.
I am a thirty seven year old woman who deeply yearns to be a Mom and a wife. Ever since I was a little girl, I would play house with my sister and dream of meeting my Mr. Right and having a family. Yet I am still..........waiting!! And in the midst of that waiting, I know that God has a beautiful plan in store for me but some days; ok must days, it is easier said than done to trust in that plan for my life. It is like taking a giant leap of faith not knowing where the floor is underneath me. But in the book of Jeremiah I am reminded, "For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper and not to harm you; plans to give you a future with hope." (Jeremiah 29:11)
A future with hope...YES! That is exactly what I cling to and hope in. These words from Annie's book were a giant exclamation point for me. She writes, "We walk through seasons that are filled with unmet expectations and potential for radical hope (Lets All Be Brave; Annie F Downs; P. 163)." I read those words over and over again. Then in the margins of the book, I wrote YES in huge letters next to that quote.
That is the truth, my friend, like the seasons change around us, the seasons change in our lives too. And sometimes those seasons can be confused in their own time and space. I am chuckling as I write this as it is snowing big fluffy snowflakes at the moment, yet the calendar says it is Spring. We indeed all walk through unmet expectations and potential for radical hope; a radical hope that is grounded in the promise of the Resurrection.
That radical hope and those unmet expectations are so evident in my life when I sit at home on a Friday night by myself. That radical hope and those unmet expectations are evident when another friend announces a pregnancy or an engagement. That radical hope and those unmet expectations are there as the tears quietly and silently fall from my face in the privacy of my home. Yet the truth is, that in the midst of that radical hope and those unmet expectations, that God still promises to never leave me or forsake me.
"Don't panic, I'm with you. There's no need to fear for I'm your God. I'll give you strength. I'll help you. I'll hold you steady, keep a firm grip on you."--Isaiah 41:10 (The Message Translation) Oh how those words grab a hold of me and speak to every fiber of my being. God has a firm hold on you friends! God has a firm hold on me! And yes, somedays I wish that God would loosen that grip. But I also need to be brave and hold on to that grip knowing that God does indeed have a plan for me. We are never alone. Jesus says to each of us, "I will never leave you or forsake you."
"To be brave here is to know that, no matter what your marital status is, male or female, always single or happily married, or every spot in between, you are never alone." (Let's All Be Brave; Annie F. Downs; P. 164)