This is not at all how I imagined my life!
Ever since I was a little girl, I have wanted to be a mom. My sister and I would play with our Cabbage Patch dolls. We would spend hours playing with our dolls and caring for them like a mother cares for her child/children. Mom even saved all of our baby clothes for the day when we would have our own children. Those clothes are STILL carefully packed away until that day.
I remember clothing my blonde haired Cabbage Patch doll in the very first dress my daddy ever bought me; a yellow dress with a puppy on it with the words, if I am remembering correctly, "Daddy's little girl." My dad was so proud of buying that dress for his first born. And after playing with our dolls, my sister and I would watch fairytales for hours watching as the Princess found her Prince Charming and got her "happily ever after." THAT is what I imagined for my life...finding my Prince Charming and getting my "happily ever after."
But that is not what my life is. I am a thirty-six year old single woman who is very weary...weary of this season in her life, weary of having a life that I didn't imagine, weary of not finding my Prince Charming and getting my "happily ever after." I know that I need to give it to God and trust in God's timing not my own. Yet, my friends, I am still weary; very weary!
I watch as dear friends find their Prince Charmings and two lives become one. I watch as many friends around me hold their beautiful children after they take their first breath. I even walk through the department stores picking out cute outfits for these little ones and then buying those clothes. I take them home, wrap them beautifully, pack them carefully into a box and then send them off to my friends knowing how much this little gesture means to them. I'll be honest...I love shopping for baby gifts but there is also a part of me that feels broken as I am shopping for them and not for my own children. Truthfully, I am so very happy for them yet I am still weary; weary of this season of singleness in my life.
I got to hold a three week old baby at church last week and I was so happy. I held that sweet soul against my chest and breathed in her beautiful scent. I was delighted that her Mom let me hold her and spend time with her in my arms. Together that little girl and I walked up and down that room; chittering and chattering. I was in my own little world. Holding new life brings me such joy...and even hope. Yet I am still weary...still deeply weary of this season of singleness in my life.
I wonder when this season will end or if it will last forever. And my heart has a hard time accepting the fact that this season of singleness will last my entire life....because I still so deeply yearn to be a mother, to find my Prince Charming and to have my "happily ever after." Why would God put this desire on my heart if it wasn't part of my story and this season was going to last forever?
I have spent my thirty six years on this Earth serving God in the best ways I know how. Yet this season doesn't seem to be anywhere near the end. I know that perhaps God might be calling me to a new plan; a different plan. Perhaps God is calling me to do foster care. Or maybe God is calling me to be a mom through adoption. (Two things that have found a way into my prayers and my heart as I discern where God is leading me) I am not sure when this season of singleness will end...but what I do know is that there are others of you out there who understand where I am coming from. You too are tired of being alone. You too are ready to find your Prince Charming and have your "happily ever after." You too very strongly dislike being the fifth wheel. You too dream of the day when you get to try on wedding gowns and experience the "This is the ONE" feeling as you put it on. Then you too also picture yourself walking down the aisle to your Prince Charming. You too wonder when this season will come to an end.
And, my single friends, I am with you every step of the way. I am sooo exhausted; so tired of explaining why I am still single. I am so tired of waiting for my dream to come true. But what I do know is that my worth is not determined by whether or not I am a mom; or whether or not I am a wife; or whether or not I have a ring upon my finger. My worth, our worth is determined by the one who fashioned us, formed us and knows every hair upon our heads. This One who knows if, when, and how this season of singleness will end.
Some days I still have an extremely difficult time trusting in this One....yet I know that this One has the ultimate answer and knows every desire of my heart; every desire of your heart. I pray that together, as we are so very weary of this season of singleness, we can find a way to see each other through this time.
But, my friends, even as I pour my heart and soul into this space, I want you to know even though I am trusting in my Lord's timing and not my own.....
I am still weary; weary of this season of singleness.