"When am I going to be a Grandma?" That is Mom's favorite question as of late. She really wants to be a Grandma. But as I tell her, there is just one small problem. My sister and I need to find those special men to marry and have a family with. And at this point and time, there are no prospects in sight either. I really believe Mom is asking this question because she is a person who loves "hard" (meaning she falls in love with friends and family quickly and creates meaningful and close relationships fast which also means she mourns hard too!)
I'll admit that when Mom asks me that question, I find myself perhaps a little frustrated! Nothing has changed since the time she asked last week...or even when she asked yesterday. And I'll admit I also get frustrated with myself for being so frustrated with her. I know there are times when I snap back quicker than I intend to. And I feel horrible when I react that way...yet I know that I am simply human. I also know that Mom still loves me despite my own shortcomings and failings.
Marriage and family is something that I definitely yearn for, yet it also is something that I find myself holding back from in a sense too. Because when I do find my Mr. Right, I wonder who will come with me to pick out my wedding dress because Mom isn't going to be able to be involved in the wedding planning etc as much as I would like her to be. You see my senior year of college, Mom's lithium (a drug she takes for her bipolar disorder) got too high which caused her kidneys to shut down. We weren't sure she was going to make it but she rallied and is doing so very well. But since that time, Mom has lived in an assisted living/nursing home. Despite all of this, I know that she will find her ways to be involved! And I also know that I have amazing friends and family; caring, authentic, available, affirming adults who will sit and cry tears; tears of joy with me when I find that perfect dress for my "hopefully someday" special day! They also will be the ones who will celebrate with me as we mark each milestone along the way.
Yet marriage and family is still a difficult topic to talk about. My parents divorced my sophomore year of high school. It was truly the one and only time I saw tears streaming down our dad's face. I also will never forget the words he uttered to my sister and I that day either. With tears in his eyes, he said, "It isn't that I don't love your mom anymore. It's that I cant handle this illness." Powerful but truthful words! I know it took a lot of courage to say those words to us.
Yes, there are days that I get impatient waiting for my Mr. Right. But I know that God is preparing the perfect man for me; the perfect man who will hear my story; my family's story of mental illness and won't be scared away but rather will hold my hand, walk with me and us, and will simply let me cry on his shoulder when Mom isn't doing well.