Saturday, September 28, 2013

Road Maps and Traffic Signs

If you are a faithful reader to this blog, you know that I have commiserated often about how my life isn't where I would like it to be. At 35 years old, I am so ready to find my Mr. Right and settle down with a family. For the most part, my heart is content, yet I yearn so deeply for these things; yearn sooooo sooooo soooo DEEPLY!

Throughout my life, I have had some awesome amazing guy friends. There is my friend who is the "adopted baby brother I always wanted." We could talk to each other about anything and everything. Then he found his dear wife who is awesome and we have kind of lost touch. Our lives are just at different points.

Several summers ago, God brought this amazing guy into my life. I deeply treasure our friendship and our conversations. He is going through a difficult time in his life and so I am doing my best to be a good friend; to support him in the midst of this trial. There is so much I would like to say to him, but I also know he is grieving in the midst of this difficult time in his life. So I have simply held back and just been a friend; a friend who listens whenever she can. I often find my mind playing mind games and wondering why God brought us into each other's lives. I know that this is not the time or place to even think this since he is going through this difficult time. However that is often easier said than done.

Yet my heart and my head don't and can't understand. Why hasn't it happened for me YET? What if I tell someone how I truly feel? What if I don't say a word? Will I always wonder what "might have been?" What does that mean for tomorrow, for the next year, for the next 5 years, for the next 10 years? I simply wish God would give me a road map or traffic signs to when or even if these dreams will ever happen for me.

And then sometimes God doesn't send a road map or a traffic sign, but rather a dream. And then I find myself trying to interpret what this dream means in my life. Is the dream a way of God and the Holy Spirit trying to give me that road map or traffic sign that I have been wanting and needing? I find myself praying for God to reveal to me what needs to be revealed. Yet it is hard to wait patiently and trust in God's timing and not my own. That is the beauty of God in our lives....God always walks with us and is with us especially when we least  feel like God is there.

So for now...I will just wait...and pray for those road maps and traffic signs to come into my life....sooner rather than later!



2 comments:

  1. Kelly Ylitalo9:35 PM

    Ah Tara,

    I understand deeply how you must be feeling. I, too, am mostly content with life, but there is a longing in me also for a husband and family.

    And not so very long ago, there was a man in my life to whom I longed to say many things. There was always something between us, but neither one of us ever seemed to be able to work up the courage to say something to the other. We came so close so many times, and then he met and married someone else.

    It's been a while since I've met anyone, and some days I wonder if I didn't miss my chance when it was right in front of me. I wish I hadn't been so afraid to speak up and tell him how much I loved him.

    I wish God would give me a sign as to whether or not he will ever bless me with the deep desires of my heart to have a family. Like you, I keep praying and watching.

    I'll be praying for you too. HUGS!

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  2. My dear friend,

    My heart aches when I read your longings. I, too, had a dream, that may have been a road sign. I wondered what it could mean, since I never saw the man’s face. He just walked with me, and his face was shadowed. But I I hugged him right before I woke up, and that feeling stayed with me for a long time until I realised who was in my dream. Even so, I did nothing for many years, until a tragedy convinced me that life is too short to be scared of love. I told him my feelings. Thankfully, it all worked out for me, but I was so very scared and nervous.

    I know that fear of jumping into the unknown -standing on the edge, and wondering what to say, how to say it ... wondering if I will fall or fly ... especially when it is something terrible that makes your feelings stir ... Is this the time? How long should I wait? What are my feelings all about, really? How will he react? Is this really God's will, and how do I know?

    I don't have answers for you, but I do have many prayers for you. May you find God's road signs in the midst of life, and may you bravely follow them wherever they lead.

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